#13 - Journal Entries from December 30, 2010 - January 3, 2011

A Compilation from entries up through January 2, 2010
Bryer decided today - enough is enough.  After a day of taking a bottle, she reached up and ripped out her own feeding tube!  Less than 2 weeks ago we sat across from doctors who told us that she could go home with a feeding tube for 1-2 months.  God's miracles are working through her.  I know that God hears all prayers, but sometimes it's hard to pray with an open heart for His will to be done.  I just wanted so bad that He would answer our prayers in a way that we wanted - for Bryer to improve.  I'm so glad that He has decided that this is His will.  Today the prayers of so many people have been answered in the same way we had hoped.   

More good news - another milestone we were hoping for - she got to nurse today!  Sometimes the scriptures refer to something that is so precious that the words cannot be written.  From my own heart, I cannot relate in words the tender feelings I have had while I hold Bryer and now get to nurse.  That alone is a blessing and is enough to complete me.  It takes more work for Bryer to nurse than to take my milk from a bottle.  A miracle all in itself that she has the strength to do it.  We have to ease her back into it to make sure she's getting enough since what she nurses can't be measured; so we are alternating every other feeding with a bottle of my milk. 

If our day couldn't get any better, Bryer gave me another surprise....  Her first smile in the hospital!  All our other kids have smiled at Jason first as babies, except Bryer.  Jason had joked and said this trip to the hospital would be her 'reset button' for him to get the first smile out of her.  Today she was just waking up in her hospital bed as I stood by her.  I used my best, deep Dad voice and said, "Good Morning Bryer!"  Her eyes jumped and the corners of her little mouth turned up as she focused on my face.  It was enough to melt me and my eyes started watering.  It's a strong contrast of being in a 'vegetative state' of what the doctors predicted as a possibility. 

They have been worried about her weight gain, as she is supposed to gain 1/2 ounce a day and she only gained 3 oz. yesterday.  They want to see a balance between weight gain and fluid retention before they release her from the hospital.  We had our family doctor talk to these hospital doctors to be sure that the reason was legit.  She seems to be progressing quickly now, but the doctors still act strangely cautious.  We just want to make sure they aren't holding her longer than they need to.  I just simply don't trust them after what we've been through. 

She has been alert a lot, focusing on faces, and tracking things with her eyes a little bit.  I'm excited to have her out of the hospital, but a little nervous too about having her home in normal life with 5 kids in such a fragile state.  I did get the okay from the doctors to walk the hall with her, which feels so strangely 'normal.'  It helps pass time, it wears her out, it's fun to have something new to look at and show her, and it just feels wonderful to be out and about with my baby! 

January 3, 2011

I took this picture of Jason this morning before our whole world came crashing down.  He left shortly after and I sat by Bryer's bed sorting through information my family had printed out about alternatives to SBS.  I sorted through Menkes disease, chicken pox on the brain, meningitis, vaccine reactions, vitamin deficiencies, and more.  The more I read, the bigger the lump grew in my throat.  I felt strongly that I should put the papers down, but my curiosity got the best of me.  I had to research to prove myself innocent.  I couldn't just sit around and waste any spare minutes while the doctors put their files together against me. 

At that point, a nurse came into Bryer's room and told me there was someone to see me.  Bryer was sleeping in her bed, so I stepped outside the room to find a woman police officer.  She asked if we could talk in a room down the hall.  I filled the nurses in on Bryer - that she was sleeping and I would be back in a minute.  

I was led back down to the same room where I had sat with the investigator until the week hours of the morning 2 weeks prior.  The same room Jason and I were questioned by the child abuse doctor.  The room did not have a welcoming feel to me right off the bat, despite the cushy chairs and end tables.  The officer sat down across from me and handed me a form.  She said they were declaring Bryer in Eminent Danger.  This is the same kind of form they handed Jason and I just before Christmas with all 5 of our kids' names printed on it.  This time it only had Bryer's name. 

My heart sank.  My mind went blank.  They were taking her away from us!  Last time I had my husband to lean on.  We found strength in the Lord's preparation for us in having our kids at his parents' house.  This time it completely blind-sided me.  They were taking my baby right out from under me.  I sat at her bedside for two weeks and literally nursed her back to health.  They left me unattended with her behind closed doors for hours at a time.  Yet now they chose to declare her in danger of me?!  How is this even legally possible that they can come in a yank a baby away from her mother?  How is it possible that doctors can have so much say over a happy, well-adjusted family?   

I tried to find words.  A question to ask.  Something to say.  Anything.  A person can never be ready to hear that their child is being taken from them.  The only thing that came out was, "Can I go back to tell her good bye?"  I will never forget the officer's reply.  It was like the scene out of a movie when they zoom in on the lips to make a drastic emphasis.  She said, "If you can promise me... that you won't hurt her."  Tears immediately poured from my eyes and I just stared at her and shook my head, unable to get any other words out.  I wanted to tell her, "I didn't hurt her in the first place, I'm not going to hurt her now!"  I am not a yeller.  I am not an arguer.  So what else was I supposed to say in response to that? 

As I walked down the hall back to Bryer's room, sobbing, I asked if I could call Jason.  She said that would be fine, but that they could only wait long enough for me to get my things out of Bryer's room.  He was just pulling into the hospital parking lot when I told him the news, and to hurry. 

They brought me a big red wagon to pack all my things - the kind you see kids riding in at the zoo or the park.  My arms and legs shook as I tried to get around the room to gather my things.  My mind was scattered and I couldn't concentrate.  In between packing things, I would go over and kiss Bryer.  My body was half-way stalling so that Jason would get there in time, and half-way stalling just because it wasn't working right.  The emotional trauma had taken over my mind, my body, my decision-making skills.  I had to stop to blow my nose and wipe my eyes to even see what I was doing.  I tried to decide what was mine and what was Bryer's.  We had been so engaged in each other, even our physical items were hard for me to decide between.   

I heard stories of foster kids being pulled from homes in the middle of the night with only their jammies.  How could that be my baby now, somehow in someone else's care that knew nothing about her?!  I left her 2 extra pairs of clothes, wrapped in her pink and brown blanket, the stuffed animals, and family pictures on her bed.  I wanted whoever had her to know that she was loved very much. 

Jason got there just in time as I was placing the last of my things in the wagon.  He helped me gather it together and talked with the officer briefly.  I kissed Bryer as she slept.  I whispered to her that I loved her and that Heavenly Father loves her and He would watch over her.  Jason walked over to tell her good-bye too.  This was a moment a parent can never be prepared to do. 

We walked by the nurses station, sobbing.  My voice was not working, but I got it across that she likes her white binky better than the green one, but that I couldn't find it.  I also told them about the breast milk in the freezer down the hall.  The nurses also had tears in their eyes as I tried to give them instructions.  Jason and I were escorted down the hall by several police officers to the sleep room where we kept the rest of our things. 

As we tried to quickly pack up our belongings from the last 2 weeks, I found the shirt I had been wearing the day before.  I wrote a note to put with it that explained that it smelled like me and to please keep it with Bryer so she would feel secure.  The pain I felt as I wrote was unbearable.  What else can a mom send with her baby that is being ripped away from her?  I again went through the 5 senses.  Smell - check.  Sight - the family pictures would have to do.  Taste - my milk, check.  Hearing - there was no way and I couldn't think straight.  Touch - I emotionally lost it.  How could I transport touch to my sweet baby girl that needed me so much right now for her recovery?  I sobbed and packed, hoping that I had covered as much as I could. 

Jason and I stepped outside the sleep room with our arms full, and now pulling a wagon.  I gave the officer my shirt with the note.  Again, several officers walked behind us down the hall to escort us to the hospital main doors.