Sunday, December 29, 2013

#2 - Journal Entry from December 19, 2010

An officer came in from the front.  At first glance I recognized him.  He had been in our home before for dinner with his girlfriend who was a friend of ours.  She had also brought him with her to help us tear out old sheet rock when we remodeled our master bedroom.  Because he was familiar with our family I felt a connection to him that he could help.  I expected him to take over with CPR, but he assessed the situation and soon after more people arrived.  Who they were was a blur.  I remember one of them asking for a screwdriver to open a black box, maybe for oxygen.  I didn’t want to leave Bryer’s side.  I felt torn as I went to Jason’s toolbox to find one, but couldn’t.  They struggled to find a way to open it and I don't remember them ever being successful. 

A neighbor opened the door and asked if I needed any help.  I told her to go get Jason from the church.  I remember another neighbor coming in and asking what she could do.  Walker was upstairs looking down from the balcony without a diaper on still, so I asked Piper to get a diaper for me and handed it to the neighbor to put it on him.  I talked to Piper and let her know that the people here were to help Bryer, that it would be okay.  As a 4 year old I was concerned that she would be worried about all the strange people making a fuss about her baby sister.  I was uneasy about Bryer, but remained calm as I thought it was probably just a seizure like Sawyr had when he was little (now nearing 7).  Jason walked through the door about that time and tried to understand what was happening.  I tried to fill him in as I quickly gathered a few things to take with me in the ambulance with Bryer.  We swapped cell phones so he could put mine on the charger in the car while he followed us.  

I hurried into the ambulance out onto the snowy roads, expecting to drive to the spot that life flight would pick us up.  The weather was too much for it to land so we headed down the highway toward the nearest hospital, about 50 miles away.  Jason gathered up kids and found a neighbor for them to stay with until we could get back home to them. 

For the first time I felt irritated.  They seemed to move at such a relaxed pace as the paramedics finally put an oxygen mask on Bryer.  As one gave the other instructions how to turn it on, I kept reassuring myself, “They are trained and they know what they are doing.”  I talked to Bryer, rubbed her fuzzy head, and tried to wake her as she struggled with a labored cry every few minutes.  It was then that one of the paramedics mentioned three little spots on the top of Bryer’s head.  She suggested they looked like three little fingerprints.  Although they were much lighter than her purple ear, the spots on the top of her head were apparent.  I also noticed that her other ear had some discoloration, none of which was consistent with the seizures that Sawyr had when he was little.  I continued to root Bryer on as she cried weakly, telling her what a strong girl she was. 
I reached into my pocket for Jason’s cell phone and saw several missed calls, not realizing it was still on silent from his church meetings earlier.  I heard annoyance in his voice as he worried about where we were.  He had been driving back and forth between landing spots for life flight, not knowing that the plan had changed and we were driving to the hospital instead.
Looking back on this journal entry, I have no doubt that my baby girl made a valiant decision that day.  She had to choose whether her short, earthly life would be over or if she would fight to stay with us longer.  I believe that before each of us came to earth, our spirits lived with God.  Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee."  He knew us each very personally, as a father would know his own children.  I wonder if He talked with her before she was ready to be born, and if so, what did He say?  Did He tell her of the great plan that He had for her life?  Did he tell her of the sacrifice it would take to receive the blessings?  More importantly – Still being so new and fresh from His presence, could Bryer remember His words on this day when she would make the decision whether she would continue on this earth or not? 

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